


Insomnia

by cassbuttandsquirrel



Series: Suptober20 [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s04e01 Lazarus Rising, Episode: s05e01 Sympathy for the Devil, Episode: s06e01 Exile on Main St., M/M, Rated teen for language, Suptober 2020 (Supernatural), moments in time fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassbuttandsquirrel/pseuds/cassbuttandsquirrel
Summary: Three times Dean reflects on the impact Cas has on his life
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Suptober20 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962145
Kudos: 5





	Insomnia

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my attempt at suptober20 prompt number 4 "Branded"  
> Reached for the low-hanging fruit here for this prompt - we're talking about Dean's shoulder, his ribs and (I can't believe I'm saying this) his heart 
> 
> I'm much happier with this fic than the previous one (I don't know her) so please enjoy!!

It’s 2008 and Dean’s lying in a bed for the first time in 40 years. Or four months depending on one’s perspective. There’s something on his shoulder that should ache but doesn’t. 

He’s running his hand over it now, the ridges of a smouldering handprint beneath his fingers both comforting and terrifying. It’s comforting in the way that Dean has taken comfort in all his scars (now all mysteriously vanished) as the natural response to trauma; the solidification of a place once vulnerable, the consequence of a decision badly made, one of the guarantees of the life outside of death (no one he knew paid taxes). It’s a foriegn structure on his skin, but it is a thing of normalcy, a reminder of the give and take of the universe. But it’s terrifying because somehow it is familiar, not in its character as a scar, but in the shape itself. The after image of something holy that should be unknowable but somehow it is known. It is known in the way Dean can fit his hand atop this imprint, the way he can slot his fingers into the dips of unblemished skin and it could feel like something. Like home. 

He pulls his hand away as if the mark still carried the heat it did at its creation. 

_ It’s a brand _ , Dean thinks sourly,  _ a brand like they give to cattle. To mark me as nothing but a pawn in God’s Good fucking Plan. That’s all. A brand. To make me theirs. _

___  
  


It’s 2009 and Dean can’t sleep. It’s not that surprising; it’s been a hell of a day. Sam raising Lucifer, Bobby getting possessed and Meg coming back. Finding out he’s the Michael Sword.  Chuck pulling one of Cas’s molars out of his hair, and then Cas being alive again. It’s unsettling; this entire day. But something else keeps him up, as he shifts uncomfortably on the mattress and it’s not just worry for Bobby. 

Cas did something to him, to both of them, carved something into their ribs to keep all variety of nasty fuckers away. The problem is, Dean’s pretty sure he can feel it. He squirms again taking a deep breath to press his lungs against his ribs, and there - he feels it again. There’s a tightness, a heaviness, and he doesn’t  _ think  _ it’s anxiety but it’s so late and dark and it’s been a hell of a day. Dean lets out the breath in a loud huff. His hand is tracing his shoulder before he realises the significance of the action.  _ That _ brand is long gone now, erased somewhere between one healing and the next; even today he’s been brought back from near death.  _ That’s right _ , Dean muses,  _ this is the second time I’ve been marked up. What was the word Cas used?  _ He stares at the ceiling he knows is above him, pressing down invisible in the darkness.  _ Carved, that’s it. Carved.  _ And that’s a problem too. Because “carved” sounds suspiciously like “permanent” and that’s- well, that’s a lot. 

Dean rolls over in a ploy to disorient the thoughts in his head. It works in that it gives him a sudden clarity. There’s something behind his ribs that’s not the uneven ridges of Enochian symbols, and Cas put it there. Unwittingly, maybe, but Dean feels that it’s right to blame him. He knows what it is, but he doesn’t name it because it makes his head hurt and his hands tremble. 

___  
  


It’s 2010, a new decade, and Lisa’s got her arm draped over his chest and he’s in her bed. He’s been given a plethora of reasons throughout his 31 years for sleep to evade him, what with his full time job until recently having been the stuff of nightmares. But things have been good with Lisa. He’ll have a dream or two every week, but Lisa is so good to him, and the sex-with-someone-you-love is good to them both. Even this - with her palm hot against his shoulder and her (incredibly cold) toes pressed up against his calf - this is good to him. 

There’s a specific reason he can’t sleep tonight but he’s been avoiding it all day, and now in the quiet it is inescapable. He thought of Cas today. He doesn’t really know why, there was nothing in particular to remind him of the angel. It had been Saturday, a clear autumn day, and Ben had been inside and Lisa had been at work and Dean was raking leaves. And then, without any warning, he was thinking about Cas. As if Cas had suddenly stood right in front of him. 

Dean hasn’t let himself think about Cas for a while now. It just seemed so dangerously close to… everything else that Dean steered clear of all that shit. Sure, he thought about Sammy, a lot, but that was something you can’t help. Sam had been there his whole life, and Sam had been everything to him for a long time. You can’t ignore a loss like that. But Cas? A robot warrior of the Big Man himself? He’d known him for 3 years at this point, maybe a bit less. A small amount of time in his life and pittance in the life of a celestial being who presumably witnessed the big bang. So if he never visited or called, so what. He’s an angel. 

He feels only a little bit guilty when he shifts Lisa’s had to trace the phantom scar long gone. Cas left his mark alright, Dean will admit it as he feels an all-too-familiar ache bloom in his chest, but Dean was stupid to let it burn deep enough so it touched his heart. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, leave a kudos or a comment! Your feedback is appreciated =D 
> 
> It's the last season!! Commiserate with me on [ Twitter! ](https://twitter.com/librarian_gamer?s=07)


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